I'm sitting here listening to a girls story about how she came out and knew she was gay. I'm really enjoying listening to this because it's honest and how she felt and feels.
To be honest, I'm not gay. I'm what the gay community call "a fence sitter" meaning I'm bisexual. To this day, I'm unsure if I am bisexual because I am merely curious about the same sex or if in truth one can truely be happy, Fence sitting. I've liked girls my entire life the same way I liked men. Maybe it was just the need to be loved that I want...maybe that's all it was. But I don't know truely. I think Men are hot and I think Women are sexy. There's different reasons I like both.

I've found recently that I've been having issues with my body. Big issues. Not many tend to understnad this into the depth that I feel it. If I was to post this somewhere like Myspace or GJ, I would get the replies "Oh you're beautiful Rachel, Don't you doubt that!" but the problem is, I've always doubted this. I don't feel comfortable with who I am. In my mind, I see a beautiful girl and I suppose that's what other people see once they get to know me, but I know my physical body is not...that.
This sadly, is affecting my sex life. My poor boyfriend.

Mostly the move to a new journal and the reoccurance of my image issues have been brought around by my ex. You see, the first guy I got with, I fell foolishly in love with. And after a rough break up and his mom saying that he hates me for in my opinion, a truely stupid reason, I stayed in love with this dumb kid for two years because of my heart. I had no hope of being with him again but I still loved him. I ran to boyfriend to boyfriend, desperatly trying to leave the image and the heartache of him out of my mind. One of these men even raped me.  And I came back home and I stood tall and I did what I had to do. And now I'm in college with my Ex's new girlfriend and she's a lot thinner than I am and it just reminds me everyday of the cow I am. Makes me feel conscious around my boyfriend now even though he's a really great guy.

But everything that I'm thinking about and everything I go through I know I'll do just that. I'll get through it. I just love mindsay cause it really helps me express these things.

I think my weight has a huge impact on my life because I think If I was smaller, perhaps I'd be more open to say what I mean and do things and have higher esteem. Blech.

Anyhow that's all for tonight. Hope you enjoyed or I at least made you think.